Bystander Effect

After being unable to tolerate harassment inside a Rohtak bus, two brave sisters thrashed three eve-teasers in Haryana on Sunday. The irony is that when all of this was taking place not a single passenger helped them as they continue to fight against the culprits."Other passengers in the bus remained mute spectators," the police officials were quoted as saying. Earlier  a teenager in  Gawahati was molested by a  mob on  a busy  road before  she  was  rescued  by cops she too said  nobody came  to  her  rescue 

We  can  go  on and  on regarding  such  incidences  which keep  on occurring time and again and  surprisingly in   most  of  the  cases public plays  the  role  of  mute spectator.  During  all  these  happenings   one word  which  kept  on tossing during  discussion everywhere is    BYSTANDER EFFECT   or  Genova  syndrome 

 Lot  of  questions came to  my  mind  like  why  people react or not  react proactively during  these  kind  of situation ? is  this syndrome  confined  to  India?or  is  it a recent  development ?or is  it universal?..Surprisingly this  bystander effect is universal and as  old  as  civilization  and not  confined to particular Race or  country  !!This has happened earlier, happening  now and continue to  happen  in future  as  well.Think  about a  situation in  Mahabharata where when Draupathi  was about to be molested  by Dushashana   everyone   including  Bhisma  pithamaha  was a  mute  spectator or  a  bystander till  Lord Krishana rescued .Well, we  may  give hundreds  of  Explanation to  justify the  act but  this  is  fact .. Ok  let  us  leave  this  for  pundits  to  discuss  and let  me  share with  you regarding Bystander effect and what can  be  done when  we are  into  this kind of  situation 

..Before this let  us  know  what  is this Bystander effect .

The bystander effect or Genovese syndrome is a  social psychological  phenomenon that refers to cases where individuals do not offer any means of help in an emergency situation to the victim when other people are present. The  word Genovese  came into  existence  when  Catherine Susan "Kitty" Genovese  a New York City woman was stabbed to death near her home in the kew  neighbourhood of the borough of  Queens  in New York City, on March 13, 1964 and lack of reaction from  her  Neighbors  as they  were  mere  spectators.

 “People are scared,”, says a senior official at New Delhi-based All India Democratic Women’s Association. “Scared of the threat to their lives, scared of indulging in a court room drama, even scared the accused could possibility manipulate the police.”
So if you are witnessing something wrong on the street, its the thought "I should go in and stop them" that goes in your mind, but  parallel thought  that  runs  in  our  mind  is "What will happen to me and my family, if I intervene?". This is the thing which makes people more of a bystander than anything else. 

 Persoanlly  feeling  we  should   not have  this  ambiguity in  our   mind ,  and we  need  to  stand  up  and raise  our  voice and  support  the  victim   and  think  …. do we  remain as a  bystander if the  victim who  needs your  help is your best friend ,close  relative ,brother ,sister  daughter  or for  that  matter if the  Victim is YOU

 don’t  you wish  some   one  from the  crowd rushes to  help  you ? 

I expect to pass through life but once.  If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to fellow being in distress, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. 

 ~author  unknown

Blame Game

A man can  fail many  times ,but he  isn’t a failure  until he begins to  blame some  body else

-         

 Other  day during  my   30  minutes  conversation  with  one  of  my  old  friend   he started  blaming  every  one for  his   present situation- his  job, his  wife ,his  dog , his   mother-in-law, his neighbour, the media, the government, his barber   were somehow  directly or indirectly responsible for the problems he  is  facing .  When  I  pointed   out  to  him if  he  had  ever introspected  and  analysed the  situation  objectively  he  was  not  at all  convinced  as  he  seems to  be in his own  artificially  created  blame  world and  in  turn  tried  his  best  to drill down  the  fact  that  he  was  right  and others  were  wrong .I  felt  sorry  for  him  and  moved  on 

Finding someone to blame may give us a substitute sensation for having solved a problem when we haven't really understood cause and effect at all.  Few  Years  back   ,Yes I too played the  blame  game  but   slowly  came   out  of  it,  and  believe  me  during   that phase in  my   life  I  started  blaming  every  one  for my  situation except  myself .!!  My finances, my unhappiness, , my broken-down car, and even my bad hair day were all entirely some  one  else fault !
 well it  went  on  for some  time  than one fine   day  I had   that  “aha” moment.  I started  thinking about this  blame game wondering “it  may give  me  temporary relief by  blaming  others  /external  situation  but  at the  end  of  the   day  really  has  it  helped ?  no , I  am  where  I  am   and not  moving  an  inch  from  this situation .

 I sat down, took a long deep breath, and thought how  this blame  game  has contributed to my own unhappiness. and  resolved  to come  out  of  this  and  started  introspection  .I  discovered that by looking  at myself  and  taking  responsibility  for  my  action  alone will help me  come  out  of  this  situation instead  of  blaming others / external  factors.

Quitting the blame game and learning life lessons has allowed me to be in a loving, equal, and best of all, relaxing relationship.  It’s allowed me to build my dream career. It’s also allowed me to look at each obstacle I’m facing and find something positive to take away from it. Life is full of people who take emotional shortcuts and blame other people unfairly or aggressively; for the sake of the human race, don't be one of them. But I wouldn't blame you if you were. If you’re having an issue then there is a lesson to be learned.

. Once we learn a lesson we move on to the next lesson. . Here  the  lesson  is  to look into  ourself for  the present  situation you  are  into ,try  to  come  out instead of  blaming  others which  will  take  you  no where.

  I'm not saying we should never blame other people. Sometimes others are at fault and they need to know it and take responsibility but being able to accept responsibility is the right   way as it  helps  us to  understand and come  out  of  the  situation .

  Dont you  agree that   easiest way to be unhappy in life is to blame other people or events for our own misery/problems. Logically, this is a foolish thing to do. If the cause of our misery/problems is external then there is nothing we can do about it, whereas internal causes provide us with the hope to change ourselves and thus alleviate our misery.

Yet for some strange reason, we prefer to blame the outside world rather than look within. Perhaps it comes down to pride: we refuse to admit that we are responsible for our own unhappiness, and thus we keep ourselves trapped in this state  and  yes  reason why we blame others is because we become uncertain about our own capabilities and we become thwarted by our problems in life. We tend to come up with excuses to stay away from what we should be doing but sooner or  later  we  need to  learn that regardless of how much you blame others, it will not change your life; but on  the  contrary  less you blame others, you  get  power  to  exercise greater intuition and better  judgment about what’s really going .

Ask yourself the following questions: Am I in charge of my life outcomes? Can I personally make things better in this situation? How can I take responsibility to become better?

When  you  blame others ,you  give up  your power to  change

-swami Viveknanda-

Generosity ...Giving me that which you need more then I do

Generosity is not giving me that which I need that you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.” 
― Khalil Gibran 

 Let  me explain with  a  story  from  Jataka tales which  talks  about  a  young  man who  earned  his  meal  after  working  in a  rich man’s house  was more  then  willing   to  part  with  it when there  was more Need to  give his  food   to  Buddhist  monks who  were  hungry  and i believe this  story  aptly helps  us  to  understand  Khalil Gibran’s  saying  that

,Generosity is  ......Giving  me that  which  you  need more  then  I  do .

This  young  man Madavasu while  on  a  visit to  his friend” s place  in  a  village was passing by  a  road  and  was curious  to  know why  there  were  a big  crowd in  front  of  a rich  man’s   house .upon  inquiring he  came  to  know  that every  week this  rich  man had  the  tradition  of  opening  his  house  big door   facing  the  road so  that  general  public can  view the  sight  of this  rich man  having  LUNCH ! you  may  wonder what’s  so  great

Well , it  was  was  seven  course   meal  spread  across  big  table  with  all possible  dishes prepared  with  pure  ghee and  this  rich  man sat  on a  majestic  chair  and ate  those meal  relishing   and  taking  his  own  time   which  was  served  in  silver plate  .The  smell  was irresistible  and all  villagers were  waiting  every  week  just  to  see  the  Rich  man enjoying his  meal   and   also smell  the  food .!!

This  young  man Madavasu as  a  part  of  the  crowd watched  the  proceedings but  dint  stop like  everyone   but a thought started  crystallizing  in  his  mind

Yes,  he  was  determined  to  eat  that  food  served  to  the  rich  man  for  once , just  once  in  his  life  time  and  when  he  shared  his  thought  to  his  friend he gently suggested   Madavasu  to  concentrate  on  his  pending  work  in  this  village  and pack his  bag  and  go  back thereafter  and  not  to chase  this  kind  of  stupid  dream of  eating  the  rich  man’s  food  for  a  day, but  this  young  man  had different  plan. He  did reach  the rich  man’s house  waited  at  his  gate  for  him  to  come  out  and straight  away requested  him   that  he  wishes  to  eat  the food  what  is  prepared  for  him  for  once in  his  life  time  and for  that he  offered  his  service  as  a  servant  in  his  house to  fulfill  his dream 

 At   first  the  rich  man was  taken aback by  this  young  man’s request  but  at the  same  time  appreciated his  frankness and  noticed  the    spark in young  man’s   eyes and his determination  to  achieve  his  goal   Yes  told  the  rich  man “you  can  have  the  food  for once  but  to  get  that  you  need  to  work  for  me  for  two   full  year and  do  whatever  work  I  give  you “

Young  Man  readily  agreed and  stated working  from  the  very  next  day , toiling  in  his  paddy  field , rearing  his  cattle  and  sheep , mopping  his  house  floor ,  cleaning, washing,every  possible  work   given  to  him.     He worked with  dedication day  in  day  out for  two  full  year just  for  one  good  meal .At  last  the  day  came  where  he  was  awarded  for  his work  and  his  dream was suppose  to  come  true .The  whole  villages  by  now  had  come  to  know of  this  young  man and  his  dream  to  eat  rich  man’s  food  for  once  and  they  were  all  in  full  attendance and  waiting  in for  the  door  to  open for the  grand  event  to  unfold  

Meanwhile in  rich  man’s house  the young  man madhuvasu  was  given  royal bath  and  new  cloths  on  instruction  by  rich  man and  he  himself volunteered to  serve  this  man  with  the  best  food as   by  now  he  had  developed respect for  this  young  man .Door  was opened  and  as  usual seven   course  meals was  elaborately  spread on  table  and  rich  man started serving to  Madhuvasa who  was glowing  with  pride and  contentment   and  yes  he  made  his  dream  come  true  and for  this  meal  Madhuvasa   had  skipped eating  his frugal meal from two  days  just  to  have  the  satisfaction  of  eating  this  food and  nothing  else  and as he  was  about  to  eat  some   thing  happened suddenly  from   no where  two   frail looking old  Buddhist  monks turned  up near the  door  and   begged for  food and  pleaded  that  they  had    not eaten  for 4  days .

Imagine  the  scene here was  a  young  man who after  chasing  dream had  worked  for  2  years  to  eat  this  royal  food  was  about  to  eat  and  at  the  door  step  two  fragile  old  monks are  begging  for  food .This  young  man without  second  thought took  all  the  food  he  earned  and  gave it  to the  needy  old  monks .They  ate  and  were  satisfied  and  went  ahead to  next village after   blessing  this  Man .People  watching  were dumbfounded as they  dint  know  how  to  react. They commented   that  this  guy has  turned  mad and When  rich  man  asked  him  why  he  donated   the  food   to  the  old  monks which  he  earned  for  2  years    maduvasa  replied
” yes  I  chased  my  dream waned  to  eat  the  food  worked  for  it for  two  years   but  sir, today  those old  monks  need  was  far  more  critical  then  mine  as they  were  hungry, and  I  gave  them what I  had and  I  am  sure that I  have  strength to work  for  another  2  years   but not  those  old  monks ”

Now  you  can  appreciate better   . Generosity is not giving me that which I need that you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than  that I do.” 
― Khalil Gibran  
 Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but from what we give.”

spoken words

Spoken words can only forgiven, not forgotten. So be very careful what you say

Ramana mahashri-

It’s easy to spurt out something without really  thinking   about it. Usually this ends up being okay with no harm done, but sometimes you’ll say something that you wish you hadn't. Problem is, you can’t take these words back, If you say the wrong thing there is a strong chance that people will  remember what came out of your mouth. So before we speak,  we need to make sure what  we mean.

  On  the  flip  side Sometimes people don't even speak up about something that hurts them, they just assume that others would read their mind. I am not  denying  the  fact that it's necessary to speak up when something bothers you because if you don't  it's going to repeat again  and  again ,   but I  believe it  is  better not to  speak when you are  in  unstable  or  disturbed state  of  mind 

 I  remember reading a beautiful story from  Buddha’s life, which discusses  state of  mind   when   disturbed looses  control on  our self   .putting  us  in a awkward situation   .  .  Worth reading.

One day Buddha is passing by a forest. It is one of those hot summer days in  northern part of   India  and he is feeling very thirsty. He says to Ananda, his chief disciple, “Ananda, you go back. Just three, four miles back we passed a small stream of water. You bring  little water — take my begging bowl. I am feeling very thirsty and tired.” He had become old.

Ananda goes back, but by the time he reaches the stream, a few bullock carts have just passed through the stream and had  made the whole stream muddy. Dead leaves which had settled into the bed have risen up; it is no longer possible to drink this water — it is too dirty. He comes back empty-handed, and he says, “You will have to wait a little. I will go ahead. I have heard that just two, three miles ahead there is a big river. I will bring water from there.”

But Buddha insists that  he  wanted  water  from  that stream ! Ananda was confused and  could  not  understand , but if the master says so, the disciple has to follow. Seeing the absurdity of it — that again he will have to walk three, four miles, and he knows that water is not worth drinking —  but starts  walking  back  to  the  stream .

When he is going, Buddha says, “And don’t come back if the water is still dirty. If it is dirty, you simply sit on the bank silently. Don’t do anything, don’t get into the stream. Sit on the bank silently and watch. Sooner or later the water will be clear again, and then you fill the bowl and come back.”

Ananda goes there. Buddha is right: the water is almost clear, the leaves have moved, the dust has settled. But it is not absolutely clear yet, so he sits on the bank just watching the river flow by. Slowly it becomes crystal-clear. Then he comes dancing. He understands why Buddha was so insistent. There was a certain message in it for him, and he understood the message. He gave the water to Buddha, and he thanked Buddha, touched his feet.

Buddha says, “What are you doing? I should thank you that you have brought water for me.”

Ananda says, “Now I can understand. First I was angry  and  disturbed ; I didn’t show it, but I was angry because it was absurd to go back. But now I understand the message. This is what I actually needed in this moment. 
  sitting on the bank of that small stream, I became aware that the same is the case with my mind. If I jump into the stream I will make it dirty again. If I jump into the mind more noise is created, more problems start coming up, surfacing. Sitting by the side I learned the technique.

“Now I will be sitting by the side of my mind too, watching it with all its dirtiness and problems and old leaves and hurts and wounds, memories, desires which is  the  root  cause for  my  disturbed  mind . Unconcerned I will sit on the bank and wait for the moment when everything is clear. ”it happens on its own accord, because the moment you sit on the bank of your mind you are no longer giving energy to it...such a profound  message !

  Many a  times even  I have  spoken in  disturbed mind  and  have  regretted  later but by  the time   I  realized   it  is too late  and  damage  is  done .I  am  sure    you  might have  also  experienced  the  same.  Yes I  also endorse  the view  that  we cannot  live our entire life as Goutama  Budda  as  we  live  in  real  world. of  course  Life is a roller-coaster ride, with ups and downs and  some  time we are  bound to cross the limit and  blurt out ,  that's  Ok  but reducing  the  frequency is  the  key ,  controlling  our  spoken  words  when in  disturbed mind  will  give  us  everlasting  peace which I  am following  of  late and has  given  me rich  dividends

… No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

-       Bhatruhari –

Empty boat

 Here's a Zen story in which a man is enjoying himself on a river at dusk. He sees another boat coming down the river toward him. When the Boat is far it seems so nice and motivating to him that someone else is also enjoying the river on a nice summer evening, but then he realizes that the boat is coming right towards him,  is not stopping at all and almost  hit his  boat  . He starts yelling , "Hey, ,anybody there watch out!, slow down and turn the boat around!" but the boat just kept on coming straight towards him faster and faster, by this time he's standing up in his boat, screaming and shaking his fist, and then the boat smashes right into his boat and topples him . He sees that it's an empty boat.

The point of the story is that often  in life we  encounter many  empty boats , the other kids who teased you as a child, your best  friend ignoring  you  or for  that  matter the driver who aggressively tailgated you yesterday are all in fact empty, rudderless boats. They were compulsively driven to act as they did by their own un examined wounds,and had little control over it just as an empty boat that rams into us which in  fact not  targeting us  at  all , so too people who act unkindly are driven along by the unconscious force of their own frustration and pain.

yes, we do encounter lots of empty boats during  our life  journey and  surprisingly the other boat is always empty and  even when there's someone steering it. there is never anyone to get angry with. even if the person steering the other boat deliberately rammed our boat, his behavior had nothing to do with us. as anyone else does is done for their own reasons, and much of the time they don't even know the reasons for doing  so !! and  I feel that When we see life as it is, rather than our thoughts about it, we see that every time we look for an enemy, someone to hate, someone to blame, in  fact there's never anyone there.

 Just an empty boat

     . Even though it  may  be  small story rereading the empty boat story now after so many years   all together gave  me a  new  perspective towards  Life   and  has definitely struck a nerve  in  me  .
.I  must  also  say that this story on  Empty boat  changed my life to  a  large  extent  and I realized that I had absolutely been living my life as if there was a person in the other boat.  In fact, I may have been living it as if there were a few people in the other boat.  All this anger and worrying about what other folks were doing in their boat caused me a mountain of suffering. 

This was especially true on the road while I was driving.  I would frequently get angry at other drivers. [still I  do some  times] In my teens and early twenties, I was known to end an argument with a door slam. Being ,abusive and  using  filthy  language  on  empty  boats . Looking back, I can see that most of my  acts  were  caused by my lack of understanding  the  core  principle  in  life that  we need  to  ignore and  not  respond to  Empty Boats 

  I don’t want to mislead you.  I didn't change over night  and I’m far from perfect now, but, I started using the empty boat story to alter my reactions to things.I don’t know that the empty boat story is for everyone; but, if it doesn’t resonate with you, go find your own empty boat story.  Figure out the best way for you to reduce the stress, anger and frustrations  in your life and  I  bet   You will be happier and your impact on those around will be more positive.  And that is clearly:  win/win.

Whenever we interact with other people who might “do something to us” (be rude, ignore us, be too demanding, etc., etc.), we’re bumping into an empty boat. We just think there’s some fool in that boat who should have known better, but really it’s just a boat bumping into us, no harm intended by the boat.

 On the busy river of life, boats are always bumping into each other

, learn to recognize the difference between boats and drivers and then be compassionate with the drivers you encounter

Customer Experience

I read  some where that 75% of a sale is experience driven. The Other  day we  wanted  to buy Washing  machine and   visited  a  showroom  let  us  call  it  X .Expressionless  Salesman took us through the  shop  ritually without answering our  queries regarding  the  brand  displayed  ,more  over  he  lacked  enthusiasm  , icing  on  the  cake was   When we vocalized that we would prefer to see all  brands  before deciding the older guy behind the counter joked about confusing him and  his  staff . As a result of that experience we walked out of that showroom without purchasing . The second   showroom  call  it  as  Y  was attended by  experienced personal who give  his    full  attention ..He  explained with passion and  created positive experience  for  us . We were able to select the brand that we wanted and  lady behind the counter was attentive and courteous. We walked out buying the  brand  we  wanted and   believe  me I  felt  that some of the washing machine  brand had a better features  than the first showroom  we visited, or maybe it's because we didn't get to  see fully the  brands  in  showroom x or  maybe  the  attended in showroom Y  made  us  comfortable and  satisfied us    with  all  queries

The point of my article is not to rave about the show roomY, but rather to emphasis the importance of creating the experience for your buyers. By creating the experience you increase your  sale rate by I  dare  to  say more  then 90%.

There is a vast difference between being a happy customer, and being a truly  satisfied customers. If you want to increase your sales in a grassroots way, focus on improving the customer experience. Keep in mind the critical element of emotion, and its role in sales & marketing  Please your customers immensely, and they'll come back for more. And, they'll bring their friends. Your success in sales is directly determined by the way you are perceived,

Consider this analogy: if you flip on a red or blue spigot on a water cooler, you get either extremely hot, or extremely cold water. In either case, if you stick your hand in that stream of scalding or freezing liquid, you’ll usually react in a fairly significant way.Customers react in much the same way toward their experience with your business: only an excellent experience, or a terrible one, will generate a response. if the experience is tepid, the customer will go on their way without remark.

These tepid or lukewarm  customer experiences are the ones we want to address. You may have previously felt that as long as the majority of your customers walked away happy, without a complaint, you were doing well. If you want to take full advantage of the customer you worked hard to find, making them happy just isn’t enough.

Experience driven marketing is about creating a customer experience that is more than just acceptable…So how do you provide a truly satisfying customer experience?

 Here are several aspects to consider :First and foremost Be an expert on your product or service.You should know more than your most knowledgeable customer. Memorize Product specifications and features, and be familiar with any complex vocabulary relating to your product or service..Second most  important Be  Enthusiastic and be reasonably excited about your product or service! You dont have to do somersaults, but make sure to smile, make Eye contact, shake hands where appropriate, and maintain an up-beat attitude.  Moreover this  helps in  Connecting  with the customer emotionally. This  I  feel  is  very  important  ,do  you  think you  would  like  to hear from asales person with  a dead  pan  expression ?. In fact,   expert  feels that emotion accounts for 85% of a buying decision  and .that "people base their decisions on a complicated mixture of emotion and reason," and that "emotionally satisfied customers contribute far more to the bottom line than rationally satisfied customers do."

More over with  my experience in  sales over the  years I will  share  with you  one  important lesson   that please  leave the  formal business  speak at  home ,Be friendly –Enjoy what you  do ,Have fun in helping the prospects to make the  right  decision  on the  product  you   are selling  thereby helping  them to EXPERIENCE

“Get closer than ever to your customers. So close, in fact, that you tell them what they need well before they realize it themselves.” – Steve Jobs